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Catching My Excuses

I’ve been on a bit of a writing hiatus. Okay, more than a bit. I haven’t written anything other than technical docs at work and the occasional small Facebook post for at least six months, and really it’s been a lot longer since I wrote regularly. I’ve been asking myself why, and for a while I felt like writing was so much of a chore and a guilt-trip that I had been mistaken in my young aspirations to write. That I’m not capable of writing anything good, and that the encouragement I got from other people had just been them projecting their ideas on me.

I always thought that I was above this kind of self-doubt, especially about writing. In high school, I decided I was going to be that person that actually followed through with their writing ideas and got something out into the world. In recent years I’ve felt like I’ve let myself down, since I haven’t continued writing much since then. I’ve been confused whether it’s my interests changing, or me falling into that too-easy trap of making excuses.

Slowly I’ve become less hard on myself about it all. I’m in the beginning of my professional career, in the middle of my twenties, and still figuring out what I want out of life. Over time, I’ve found that I’ve missed the overwhelming glee that comes with creating new stories, and I even wrote down a story idea the other day on the bus home from work. But it’s just been sitting on my phone.

This morning, a friend of mine commented on an old blog post I wrote a couple years ago when I was having a hard time handling critique on my writing. She was glad for me that I was getting back into writing, and encouraged me to keep going. When I first read the comment, I found myself making the excuse that it wasn’t relevant anymore, that it was a shame I’d let writing go for so long. But, I caught myself. Why not make it true? Why not get into writing again?

My second excuse, and probably every creative person’s favorite: Do I really have time? I have a busy life, people I want to spend time with, and other hobbies that I don’t want to let go of! I don’t have time to write. Again, I caught myself. I know there are people that fit writing in wherever they can, even if it’s fifteen minutes every other day. Why can’t I do that? I don’t even have kids to take care of. I have a fair amount of spare time that is not dictated by anyone else.

Then my last line of defense: I don’t want to give up any time doing something fun for something less fun. If I get back into writing, I want to be sure that I’ll enjoy it. I am tired of getting back into it, only to be overcome with self-doubt or boredom and then stop again.

And here’s the part of my friend’s comment on my blog post that hit home the most: move on and try writing something else for a while. I had even had this same thought a while back when I wrote that story idea on the bus. I’d realized I didn’t like where the story I was planning was going, and that perhaps if I backtracked, I could fall in love with it again. There is no rule saying that you have to finish the first story idea you think up. In my mind, I went back to that first experience that sparked an idea, of a dim, quiet subway station in Scotland, train approaching with headlight-eyes, breaking like a wailing ghost, and thought of a possibly better–and very different–direction for the story.

Thinking of writing a novel again still daunts me, so my plan is to try out a short story and see where it goes. In the past I’ve been afraid of short stories, thinking if I wanted to write sci-fi or fantasy that it wouldn’t be enough “story” to be interesting. But deep down, I know that’s not true, from the myriad of amazing short stories I’ve read by even my favorite authors. I want to try it.

And finally, I want to remember that I’m doing this for myself. Only for myself. If I focus on the idea of getting my writing out into the world, then I fall in that rabbit hole of asking, what do people want to read? Will they like what I’ve written? Then my inner critic starts hating everything I write, and I don’t even have the chance to write crappy stories in order to get better. I just stop. I don’t want that to happen this time.

So, I’m going to go write a crappy story about a train, and enjoy every bit of it.

My Struggle with Work-Life Balance

I’ve been learning a lot over the past year about what it means to work as a software engineer. What “work-life balance” means to me–and how difficult it is to get there–is my current biggest challenge. I have a great job and a boyfriend that I love, but what does that leave time for? My introverted nature means that most of my social life involves spending time with my boyfriend and my cat, and the occasional excursion to visit my friends, most of whom live at least a little far away.

Spending time with these people means I get to do some of my hobbies: playing video games and tabletop games, watching movies and tv shows, and going hiking and biking. This does not leave me a lot of time for those hobbies I need to do on my own: reading and writing. The main time I have for reading is on my lunch break, and hopefully I will get more time after I switch back to taking the bus to work later this summer. I will occasionally go to a cafe with my boyfriend on one of our “coffee shop dates” where we work on our own personal projects, and this gives me time to write.

Sometimes though, even though I make it all the way to the coffee shop, all I feel like doing is reading. I did this last weekend and started reading the Naruto manga from the beginning, cause I hadn’t read manga in a while (mangapanda.com is awesome, by the way). I thoroughly enjoyed my day and don’t regret it. In the back of my mind though, I feel like I am neglecting my writing–but whether this is my inner critic talking or whether I do actually want to write more often, I don’t know. Lately it’s felt like a chore whenever I don’t have a bit of inspiration or when I feel like doing something else, and this makes me feel like a failure. What kind of writer am I if I can’t push myself through the imaginary “writer’s block”?

My job tires me out. When I get home, all I want to do is chill out, but there’s laundry and dishes and a cat to take care of. When I have housework-free time, it’s most often taken up by things I feel like doing in the moment, which is not often writing. Today is one of those rare days when I feel like it, and it’s not a chore.

As I venture into the adult world, I feel like my priorities are shifting. It’s really hard to let go of what feels like my childhood fantasy of becoming some great, famous writer. I know I don’t have the bandwidth right now to work on that dream to the level I would need to accomplish it. Maybe someday I will be able to. Bit by bit, I know I will keep writing, because I keep coming back to it as my favorite medium for self-expression. Having big dreams is what keeps me going, and I know that deep down I would be devastated if I ever completely gave up those dreams.

Given all of this, I need to find a way to be okay with the minimal time I have available.

Writing Again

This past week, I've felt the need to have something I focus on in my spare time. I may not have a lot of spare time these days, but I don't have nothing, and I'm happiest when I spend that amount of time doing something fulfilling. I thought about getting into a video game I played a few years ago, and I even tried it for a few days, but I quickly remembered the reasons I put it down and decided against it. I've felt sad that I haven't managed to do much writing these past couple months, and I figured, why not try to channel this new-found energy I have into writing again?

I've decided to put aside my novel for a while, and start on this new story that's been nagging me to be written. Don't know if it's a short story or a novel yet. If it's a novel, probably not a series. I figured, though, that the first thing I should do before I get too far with it is re-read those critiques I posted about last time and try to apply any good writing tips to this new story.

The time away really helped. One of the two critiques (#1, referring to my previous post) was the most helpful, giving me a lot of good advice. The main points seem to be that I needed more well-defined characters, settings, and more attention to staging detail--they suggested drawing a map of the area for use when you write a scene, to get locations of things right. It's not that I didn't have any of it, I just needed more of it. They pointed out where I did well, so I get an idea of how to do it right. It's just a rougher draft than I thought. Most of the benefit would be from planning before actually writing... so that's what I'm doing, with a new story. Why work on an old story that doesn't excite you anymore?

This whole process has given me so much energy to write and get this story out that I've fit it into my spare time any way I can. Maybe half an hour to an hour a day (and longer this weekend). Not sure how long it'll last, but I'm gonna try my best to keep it going. I'm positive that this perfect setting and tone in my head for this story won't be as perfect once it's on paper, but I can't stand not trying to get it out.

One great idea I've had is to keep a Pinterest board of images that inspire me, and it's really helped get me in the right frame of mind for this story. Take a look here, if you're interested: http://pinterest.com/paperbackdragon/new-story-inspiration/.

The Problem With Critics

In February this year, I entered my book in a writing contest. I sent in two copies of the first 30 pages and a 1-page synopsis. The best part about it was that I'd get two critiques, no matter if I ended up a finalist or not. I hadn't had an editor (let alone two) with no relation to me take a look at my work and give me honest advice before, and it was a great opportunity.

I found out sometime last week by email that I wasn't a finalist. I was a little let down, but not heartbroken. There were 900 entrants, and they had to pick 10 finalists for each of 12 categories (two from each category actually win money and a chance to chat with agents and editors at a conference). I can't imagine having to choose between so many people. I didn't let it bother me. They said the critiques would be mailed out the following week, and would be scored out of 50.

The critiques were in the mail today. Interestingly, so was the next issue of the New Yorker, which happens to be entirely fiction this time. Today I also received two old issues of The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction from a coworker as a suggestion of a place I could submit short stories to if I wished. Turned out to be a day to face where I wanted to go as a writer.

To be blunt, the results were not what I was hoping for. Critics can be harsh, it's true, and not all of them are good at giving both negative and positive feedback. But these ones are honest, and not affected by their relationship to me. They weren't even shown my name when they critiqued it (and I wasn't shown theirs). They likely didn't see each other's critiques either.

Both of them are of the opinion that it needed a rewrite. The whole thing. Their overall reasons appear very different. Critic #1 (who gave me a 31/50) says I need to either change my story somehow so that it stands out from the rest of the fantasy genre, or make the writing much stronger (many suggestions are given for this), but says it cannot succeed as is. Critic #2 (who gave me a 22/50) says my main problems are that I rely too much on dialogue to carry the story, and that the world I've created does not have enough of a fantasy setting.

From the time that I've spent in critique groups, I know that the best way to really get use of critiques is to notice where multiple critiques all point out the same issue--even if they suggest different ways to fix it. The important thing is to see where they end up agreeing on a problem. If you understand what they mean, you can fix it in the best way for you, rather than them. It's going to take a lot of re-reads and dissections to find that here. I've got a full 6-7 pages from each critic. Of course, first I need the stomach to sit down and read it carefully.

I don't know what I'm going to do. Do an entire fresh rewrite? Ignore the critics and submit to agents anyway? Take a break (not that I've spent a lot of time in the past few years working on it) and write something else? Maybe short stories for a change, if I can figure out how to write them? How much of what they're saying is opinion, and how much should I listen to? Do I really want to continue with this story? And, how much longer is it going to take me to do a rewrite now that I have a full-time job?

This is why I like science and computers; there's a right answer and a wrong answer, and no in-between. I'm so grateful that I enjoy my day job and that I'm good at it.

I love it to pieces, but writing is hard.

The Downside

I am in a very unique position in life, and I don't quite know how to deal with it.

Nine months after graduating with a BSc in Computing Science, I've moved country, got settled in a new apartment, and been hired into a well-paying, rewarding full-time job. This may sound great--and it totally is, mostly--but there is one big challenge that comes with it that I've really found difficult: my social life.

I am a young woman in a software development role. I am younger than literally everyone else at work (because I graduated a year ahead of most students in the US), and at least a few years younger than the average age. I am one of perhaps 10% of the women in the engineering department, half of which are managers. Both of these facts are why I'm sure it's difficult for people at work to relate to me about anything other than work. My 40-hour week and 30-minute-plus commute means that by the time I get home each day, I'm hungry and exhausted, which often means I'm in no mood to go out on the town and socialize. Being a geeky introvert also means that some days, when I interact with a lot of people during the day, at the end of the day I just want to wall myself off from other people with headphones. This doesn't mean I don't need someone to talk to.

The other difficult part of all this is that I'm "new" to the area. Even though I grew up near here, I spent three years away, and grew apart from most of my good friends. Most of the friends I feel closest to these days live in Scotland, which means they've all gone to bed by the time I get home in the evening. There are only a few people I can count on to be there for me when I need them, in my time zone.

This is not to say I don't go to (nearly) every social event I'm invited to. I do, and I enjoy it. I am doing my best to meet new people all the time, and it's fun. But I can only do so much. I can count on there being days where I come home and just want someone who understands me to talk to, and can't. I would say it's not such a bad problem to have, as problems go, and I feel selfish for feeling this way, but this matters a lot to me and it's not going away. Perhaps I have not given it enough time, though I have been away from Scotland for six months now. All I can do is wait, keep cultivating the friendships I have, and hope any new friends I make turn out to be kindred spirits.

When all else fails, I take myself out for sushi.

Traveling

When I travel these days, it is often alone. Maybe I'm meeting someone at my destination, but the actual act of traveling is done alone. I don't resent this at all, in fact I think it helps me enjoy the journey more. I have so much more freedom to go at my own pace, visit shops and restaurants as I see fit, or linger in a place just to people-watch. My introverted nature can be at peace.

Something comes over me when I travel alone. No one I know is around me to judge, so I occasionally do things out of the ordinary, when it strikes me. Little things usually, like ordering food I haven't tried before, or going to a coffee shop I've never heard of rather than going straight to Starbucks, or wandering a bookstore without planning to buy anything, just because I can. Of course my options to do these things are limited in an airport, but I can still enjoy them.

On my flight to Phoenix yesterday, I read the recent issue of the New Yorker. The article written by Joseph Mitchell, as the first chapter of a memoir, made me feel a bit wistful. I got envious of his ability to wander around New York at random, ride buses all day if it fancied him, visit beautiful buildings whether or not he was allowed to. This was where he lived, too, not just somewhere he went to travel. Reminded me how much I love my own city, Seattle. I should explore it more.

I also love people-watching. I don't do it obviously, staring or clearly writing about people around me. It's more that I observe things happening. Perhaps I don't look at people directly, but I'm paying attention. The diversity of people on my plane to Phoenix struck me. I was in an aisle seat, and the guy in the middle seat to my right was an Asian man that seemed drunk when he sat down, but immediately fell sleep, and slept a bit fitfully through the whole 2-3 hour flight. The guy to his right was a middle-aged white man with a full beard, who mostly either looked out the window or played solitare on his laptop. A row in front of me to the left was a younger man with an army-camo backpack. I made the assumption that he had been in--or was still in--the military, since his hair was cropped short, and before the flight, the captain made a comment about thanking the men in service on board (and veterans).

To my left was a couple with their young toddler son, who was incredibly well-behaved, and also slept through the majority of the flight. There were other kids too, some of which wailed a little before the flight took off, but after that were pretty quiet, even making those cute comments only kids feel the freedom to make. When the captain announced we only had 30 minutes until we landed, a girl a few rows back started making a song out of the words. Later, when he announced the people on the left side of the plane could see the Grand Canyon, it seemed like everyone on the plane perked up and looked out the window. There was a gorgeous sunset out of the window near me, on the right, and I overheard another kid saying, "Is that fire?" I had to admit, it looked it.

I could not live happily without a bit of traveling in my life. It's my chance to eat and drink and see new things, to notice the beauty of the world, and realize that we really are all the same, as cliche as that sounds. There were so many different kinds of people on that plane, but as soon as the Grand Canyon came in view, everyone was interested. They put aside their unspoken social rules about not wanting to bother other people and leaned toward the windows, if only for a few moments.

I think once you travel far away once or twice, it's common to catch the traveling bug, and want to just keep doing it, go everywhere, see and try everything. If you haven't caught it yet, I highly recommend it.

Ignorance Is... Strength?

I've fallen behind on my book reviews, and I don't intend on catching up. I feel it would be more appropriate if I just blogged about books that really meant a lot to me, positively or negativley. So, here I am.

I don't often read dystopian fiction, and I don't often read classics, but quotes and ideas from this book have started to feel so ubiquitous to me that I thought it was about time I read it myself. I think I appreciated it more because it wasn't something I had to read for a class, I could take my time with it and really absorb things (though it didn't take me long at all).

Spoiler alert! If you haven't yet, please read this book and then come back to my review... it really is best, I think, to approach the book before hearing opinions of it. Yes, even you. Everyone should read it.

Here's the review I posted on Goodreads, with my 4 star rating:

I did not know what to expect. I found that in turns, it horrified me, excited me, and terrified me, and I never knew what was coming next. I instinctively think there are things in this book that can never happen, that humans would never do this or that. But then I think about what I know of history, and in small ways, those things have happened. Maybe they have not persisted, but they have happened. And while this book is in no way a direct reflection of society, it is utterly haunting, to the last word. There are bits of truth. I cannot say that I loved this book, because it so horrified me, but to affect a reader's emotions so acutely, Orwell absolutely deserves 5 stars. I just can't imagine myself ever wanting to read it again. I would say, though, it is definitely worth reading once. Everyone should read it once, if only to have more of an appreciation for the society in which we live.

A Sunny Seattle Morning

Every single day on my way to work, I am reminded of how glad I am to be in Seattle. To be working downtown, especially. There is a small bridge my bus goes over that has a fantastic view of the city skyline, be there rain or fog or sun. Once we get downtown, there are cafes open along every street--not all of them Starbucks--serving coffee or pastries or other goodies. Particularly on days like today, when it's sunny, the city is out in all its glory in the morning. It's true, the dreariness of the usual clouds are so very worth it when the sun comes out. Even in the cold, people have their collars turned up and scarves wound tight, but they're always smiling. It feels like such a happy place.

This morning, instead of going to work, all I want to do is go for a nice long walk in the chilly (but sunny) air, and then sit in a cafe with a pastry and a coffee and read, or perhaps write... I want to get lost in the moment and appreciate the world around me. This post is all I have time for, though, and it will have to do.

Deck the Hall Ball

I went to Deck the Hall Ball this year, alone. And I am so glad I did. It was the most incredible concert I've ever been to--I haven't been to many, but I don't expect to go to anything nearly as good anytime soon. I wanted to share a bit about what I thought of each band, and suggest a few good songs. I wished I could have done it via Twitter during the show, but any kind of phone service in a stadium full of people is impossible. The event was put on by my local radio station, 107.7 The End, which mostly plays alternative/indie rock/folk/whatever, so be forewarned if you don't like that kind of thing (but I have no idea why you wouldn't). The photos below, and more, can be found here.

The Lineup

The Joy Formidable, from Wales - I hadn't paid attention to this band much before the show, mostly I just enjoyed the single they played a lot on 107.7, Whirring. These guys were so incredibly energetic, and props to them for playing in a half-empty stadium. The show started at 3pm and went until 11pm, so people slowly trickled in, and they made the whole thing start with a bang. So much guitar, and an awesome female lead vocalist. I would suggest more songs by them but I haven't spent a lot of time with their album yet.

Of Monsters and Men, from Iceland - With two beautiful voices (and people) as lead vocals in this folk rock band, I couldn't help loving them. I first heard their single, Little Talks, at a club in Glasgow (of course it's not really something you'd expect in a club), and it was amazing to see it live. I suppose since they're mostly acoustic, it's no surprise they sound so much like the album. Another of theirs that they played a lot on 107.7 was Mountain Sound. A couple they played live that were just amazing were Dirty Paws and Six Weeks. And Lakehouse. I love the whole album.

GROUPLOVE, from Los Angeles, CA - I was a bit surprised by this band, I hadn't really cared for their music, and then heard them live and fully enjoyed it. Loud and passionate. You can just tell from their sound that they're from California, I can't really pin down why. Their big hits are Itchin' on a Photograph and Tongue Tied, but I actually like Colours (with the British spelling) a lot, and Slow is my favorite of theirs at the moment. There are others on their album that are good as well.

The Lumineers, from Denver, CO - Another folk band that just sounds gorgeous (and looks it). A bit quieter and more intimate than Of Monsters and Men. Their big, fun hits are Ho Hey and Stubborn Love. Flowers In Your Hair is beautiful, too. A lot of their other songs are slower and good to cozy up with on a slow Sunday morning. They were amazing live, really got the crowd involved in the music, clapping and singing along.

Passion Pit, from Cambridge, MA - These guys have been around for a while. Upbeat, a bit of an electronic vibe, different. They released a new album recently, which has taken some time to grow on me, but I really enjoyed their first album. They played quite a few hits from their older album, including Little Secrets and Moth's Wings, my two favorites. The single from the new album is Take A Walk, which I do like but has been overplayed a bit on 107.7. The show itself was great, and for some reason that night they all looked like they could have come straight from MIT, a bit geeky. In a good way.

AWOLNATION, from Los Angeles, CA - This band was by far the crowd pleaser of the night. You have perhaps heard Sail, their big single, and their next best is Kill Your Heroes. Both awesome. The lead singer even had us do the wave! During the singing of All I Need, he asked for everyone to get out their lighters and phones, and the sight was unbelievable in a venue as big as Key Arena. He said the view from the stage was incredible, and he'd never forget it. I'm not likely to, either. Their sound ranges from almost metal--there was definitely headbanging, from everyone in the band at times--to funky and upbeat, like in Guilty Filthy Soul. They're loud and passionate, like GROUPLOVE. Maybe that's what LA sounds like.

Metric, from Canada - This has been my favorite band for a long time, and is actually the only band I've seen at a show like this before. Surprisingly, I've discovered I'm not a huge fan of their live performances. I wish Emily Haines would engage the audience more. But their music is excellent. Great beat, great guitar, even keyboard at times. Instead of linking to their big singles that you might know, Breathing Underwater is the one 107.7 plays all the time that is very good, and Clone is my favorite off their new album. Check 'em out.

M83, from France - A bit of trivia: their name comes from the spiral galaxy Messier 83. Their sound is very synth-heavy, and largely instrumental. I wasn't sure what to expect from their live performance, but truthfully I thought it was the most amazing of them all that night. They brought an insane light show onto the stage with them, complementing the music so well. I had to stand up in my seat for a few of them, just to fully experience it. The two main vocalists have amazing voices, and they use a style called shoegaze, where their voices are indistinguishable from the sounds of the instruments. Their big songs, and my favorites, are Midnight City and Reunion. The latter is my favorite, but really, their whole album is worth a listen.

The Killers, from Las Vegas, NV - This was my favorite band a few years ago, and it was amazing to see them live. They were the headliners of the night, and their show was great, with a big video screen and a light show to rival M83's. If you know anything about popular music in the last 5-10 years, you've heard one of their songs, like Mr. Brightside. They played quite a few favorites from their old albums, which definitely pleased the crowd. I don't know if I like their newest album all that much, but the singles from it are Runaways and Miss Atomic Bomb. It's good music, just not a style that I'm in love with these days. Wikipedia describes them as "heartland rock" which sounds about right, especially about their newest album. But boy, do they know how to put on a hell of a show.

Seeing a big show like this by myself allowed me to really be absorbed in the music, and not wonder about whether the people I'm with are enjoying the show as much or as little as I am... I'd highly recommend doing it someday, if you never have. Hopefully I've got you hooked on a few new songs.

New Digs

After a long time in limbo, my new life is (almost) finally started. I've got a car, an apartment, and a job, I just have to wait a couple more days to start work. The far corner of my living room is filled with boxes of old stuff that I finally have time and room to go through. I'm starting to walk and drive around the neighborhood and not just get used to where everything is, but actually enjoy the location and get used to being here (and of course it helps that it's finally not raining). Went to the local theatre last night to see Lincoln, went to a used bookstore and a few coffee shops/cafes, and I have plans to visit my favorite Japanese restaurant in the city. And apart from these boxes in my living room, I'm all moved in and unpacked. I've even made a batch of cookies, which of course means I can say I'm officially settled.

Not quite in a habitual pattern yet, I expect it'll be another week or so before I am. Things still feel very new, and I keep thinking of little things I want to buy or find in boxes. I also hope to be making more friends in the area soon, particularly once I start work. Only then, I think, will I feel completely at home.

Meanwhile, I will thoroughly enjoy the little things, like being able to keep a clean house, not worry about my food getting stolen, cooking whenever I want--all of which I've had perpetual problems with in university accommodation for years. Not to mention all this free time! I figured I could spare a few minutes to write a blog post.

Dog Walking

Almost every morning now, I walk my dad's Sheltie, Sara. I've always been a morning person, and these walks help me get outside and enjoy the world when it's quiet. When I take the time to notice things around me--foggy roads, morning dew, squirrels, sun on rare occasions--it feels like they exist just for me. I've been enjoying seeing leaves on the trees turn red and fall to the ground over the course of a few weeks.

Since Sara is getting older, and doesn't get to spend a lot of time outside, whenever she stops to smell something I don't rush her (unless she's being ridiculous). It's been reminding me to enjoy the moment, whatever I'm doing. Especially these days when I'm looking for a job, when there's no telling how busy my day will or won't be, to keep from worrying I do things I enjoy, and live in the moment.

In the words of Sara, take a walk once in a while, and stop to smell the roses. And the grass, and the leaves, and the trees, and the garbage, and the fire hydrants...

Book Review #16: The Fault in Our Stars

Book 16: The Fault in Our Stars, by John Green

I finally got around to reading something of John Green's. I'd heard so many good things about his work, and this book in particular. I knew that even though it was about someone with cancer, it was going to be a meaningful, enjoyable read, not something simply depressing. I wasn't disappointed, and I'd say it exceeded my expectations.

Hazel is a 16-year-old with thyroid cancer. Her cancer is being kept at bay by a new miracle drug, but she doesn't know how long she has left. At her cancer support group one of the members decides to bring along a friend of his, Augustus Waters, who is in remission (the cancer is "gone" but it could always come back). They are instantly drawn to one another, and thus begins a spontaneous, beautiful relationship between the two of them, as he gives her someone to cherish other than her parents, and something to keep her from constantly thinking about her cancer.

John Green's writing is both witty and beautiful. He makes a fair number of philosophical remarks as well, which I really enjoy in a book. I couldn't help making highlight after highlight in my Kindle as I read. Here are a few of my favorites.

"The BiPAP essentially took control of my breathing away from me, which was intensely annoying, but the great thing about it was that it made all this noise, rumbling with each inhalation and whirring as I exhaled. I kept thinking that it sounded like a dragon breathing in time with me, like I had this pet dragon who was cuddled up next to me and cared enough about me to time his breaths to mine." 

"As he read, I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once."

"I want to have scrambled eggs for dinner without this ridiculous construction that a scrambled egg-inclusive meal is breakfast even when it occurs at dinnertime."

"Sometimes it seems the universe wants to be noticed."

Hazel felt very real to me, and that made it easy to relate to her. Her disease doesn't define her. And the message in the book is definitely for anyone, not just for someone with a terminal disease. Given all this, and the fact that I essentially read the whole thing in a day, I'm definitely going to be reading his other books.

Book Review #15: "...and then what happened?"

Book 15: Stories: All-New Tales, edited by Neil Gaiman and Al Sarrantonio

It took me a long time to finish this book. I've read it bit by bit between other books, when I had nothing else I was reading. By no means was it bad--it was excellent, masterpiece after masterpiece. Some stories were creepy, some were heartwarming, some were strange, and some were all of the above. Even the introduction was amazing, which I quoted in my recent blog post about why I like to read.

I find it difficult to read short stories. Every one of them took me on that same emotional roller-coaster that a novel does. The initial tenativeness with which you'd approach a story you know nothing about. Then the ramping up of action, and the climax. Finally the end, that leaves you wanting to linger in the world of the story, you're not quite ready to leave. There's another story waiting to be read on the next page, but you can't bring yourself to start it. There's no way it could be as intriguing as the story you just finished, the one that left you thinking. And then, when you're ready, maybe minutes, hours, or days later, you start the next one, and the cycle repeats.

I have a feeling one day I'll come back and reread these stories. Short stories seem to be the type that you read over and over. You don't need as much patience to read them a second, third, fourth time like you do a novel. And I've left so much time between reading the stories in this book that I can't remember a lot of them. Just the feelings they left me with.

Of course, anything related to Neil Gaiman I'm more likely to reread. His story in this book, The Truth Is a Cave in the Black Mountains, is fantastic, in which the narrator--a small dangerous man--and a man named Calum MacInnes go in search of treasure in the Black Mountains. Other stories touch on themes as diverse as murder, the death of a loved one, a mysterious lake that's home to a race of humanoids, and a twist on the typical vampire story. There are well-known authors like Jodi Picoult, Diana Wynne Jones, Joyce Carol Oates, and Chuck Palahniuk, and many others I haven't heard of. They're not all fantasy, and some of them leave you wondering whether they could be real or not.

Short stories always leave me feeling slightly unsatisfied, as if I couldn't stay long enough in their different worlds, which is the main reason I couldn't give the book five stars. Some of the stories set my nerves on edge as well, and I'm not the type to enjoy that sort of thing. The fact that they did, however, that they affected my emotions, is a sign of a great story.

Book Review #14: The Doors to Elsewhere

Book 14: Daughter of Smoke and Bone, by Laini Taylor

I picked this book up recently at Waterstone's along with The Hundred-Year-Old Man on a whim. I was not disappointed by either choice. The cover of this book grabbed my interest immediately, and I remembered seeing a review of it on a blog that I follow, which made it look promising. Not to mention a favorite author of mine, Patrick Rothfuss, gave the review, "Wow. I wish I had written this book."

Karou has two lives. In one, she is an art student in Prague. In the other, she runs errands for a creature named Brimstone, who is the closest thing she has to a father. He is from a world he calls Elsewhere, and he will not divulge its secrets to Karou. All she has seen of this world is the shop beyond the doorways, which seems to exist everywhere and nowhere, where Brimstone and his helpers live and work. Hunters and murderers sell him teeth in exchange for wishes, and occasionally when he needs help with a delivery, he asks for help from Karou. All she has ever received in return are the smallest of wishes, which she's used--wrongly, perhaps--for superficial things like turning her hair blue and giving herself tattoos.

When the doors to Elsewhere start closing and Karou tries to find out why, with the help of a mysterious stranger she discovers truths about Elsewhere and Brimstone's work that she never would have dreamed of. She must decide where she belongs before the doors close forever.

I didn't know much more about the plot of this book than the above before I read it, which I'm grateful for. Part of the fun experience of this book was discovering things about Elsewhere along with Karou. She's very easy to relate to, and a very three-dimensional character. The fantastical world is as well, clearly well-thought-out and very well-written. Easy to read, and easy to get sucked in. It's an incredibly original story, something hard to find these days in the fantasy genre. As with all good books, I was hooked right away, and once I got past the halfway point I couldn't put it down. I've given it five stars on Goodreads.

I'm eagerly awaiting the sequel, which is set to be released in about a month.

Homeward Bound

Earlier today I got a response from the last job in the UK I've been waiting to hear from, which was a "no." I didn't have enough specific knowledge/experience for the position. My student visa expires on the 1st of October, so this means that I have to leave Scotland. I've already started to make plans to, since they've taken so long to get back to me. I would have barely had time to apply for a work visa if they'd offered me a job.

Truthfully, I'm glad I don't have to make the choice between Aberdeen and the US. Lately I've been realizing how much I miss Seattle, and how the choice between staying near my friends in Scotland and going back home would be difficult. I probably would have chosen to go home, and then felt like I was giving up a good opportunity to stay. Now, I don't have a choice, and I can be content getting excited about going back to Seattle.

I will miss Scotland dearly. It's been an amazing experience. I've changed a lot (for the better), and met so many great people, including friends I know I'll have for life. I'm sure I'll be putting aside money to come back as soon as I can.

But it seems it's time for me to leave the people and the land behind. For now.

Book Review #13: A Swedish Forrest Gump

Book 13: The Hundred-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out of the Window and Disappeared, by Jonas Jonasson

Allan Karlsson is about to turn one-hundred. His birthday party at the old folks home is all planned out for him, and the mayor and the press will be there. But he has had enough, and instead escapes through his window. This begins a crazy, Forrest Gump-esque adventure filled with both lighthearted and dark humor. The story switches between the present day and Allan's past, which is equally as unbelievable.

I wasn't sure what to expect when I picked this up at a local bookstore. It seemed fun, and there were quite a few raving reviews from all over Europe; when I bought it, it hadn't been released in the US yet (and now it has). I don't often read comedy, but the fact that it was a Swedish author made me think I might like it, since I enjoyed the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series so much (perhaps not a fair comparison since it's crime and not comedy, but in a way this book is crime as well...).

I thoroughly enjoyed it. I loved the humor and the lighthearted quality of the whole story, despite the few horrible things that happen. It had me laughing out loud at least every few pages. The plot is also cleverly put together. Allan is a very unique, clever character himself, but if I tell you too much I'll ruin the story. This book certainly deserves all the praise it's received.

Book Review #12: Libriomancer

Book 12: Libriomancer, by Jim Hines

If there is one place I take book recommendations seriously from, it is my favorite authors. When I saw this was recommended by Patrick Rothfuss (The Kingkiller Chronicle, which I've written a review for), and then discovered it was considered "urban fantasy", a genre I haven't explored but have wanted to try, I figured it was worth a read.

Isaac Vainio is a libriomancer working in a bookshop. One day a group of vampires attacks the shop, and with the help of his friend Lena--a dryad--they barely escape alive. Until now, the vampires have been peaceful enough, so the two of them set out to discover why the Porters, the organization of libriomancers, are being targeted. On top of it all, Isaac has been in trouble for using his magic too recklessly, and is not allowed to use it anymore. That doesn't last very long...

The magic in this story is very original. A libriomancer is someone who can literally pull things out of books--but the things must fit through the pages. For example, you couldn't pull a full-sized person out of a book unless the book itself was wide enough (and this large book was widely distributed and read; there are many rules). You could say it's a bit like Inkheart, where things from books will appear in this world if the person reading it has the required magical ability, but it's not quite the same, and it leads to some unique, interesting problems.

It's also refreshing to have a book that contains vampires where that is not the central part of the story. It is not a "vampire book" in any way, there are plenty of other interesting creatures. And there is literary reference after literary reference, most of which I understood, since Isaac's favorite genres of books to use are Fantasy and Sci-Fi! The stories of Doctor Who and Sherlock Holmes even make an appearance.

This book was fun, different, and engaging. I'll likely be reading the sequel.

Book Reviews #10 & #11: A Steampunk "Doctor Who"

Book 10: The Chronological Man: The Monster In The Mist, by Andrew Mayne

This is a series of novellas set in the late 19th century about a man, Smith, who investigates strange phenomena where the police have failed. This is the first book in the series, where he meets a new assistant, April Malone. April takes a job as a secretary/assistant, and reads newspapers and magazines and books for research, and makes coffee and sets out pastries every day, for a man she never sees. Then one day, Smith appears, and the adventure begins. People keep going missing in Boston, and it's up to Smith and April to find out why. Smith felt very much to me like a steampunk Doctor, which made me enjoy the story even more.

Book 11: The Chronological Man: the Martian Emperor, by Andrew Mayne

In the second installment, a Martian makes an appearance in New York, and Smith and April must find out whether it's a hoax. I enjoyed the first book more than the second, perhaps because Smith was more of a mystery then or because I wanted more of a subplot between Smith and April, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. I've always been intrigued by steampunk but have never tried reading any books in the genre, and I was not disappointed. Both of these short books are $0.99 on Amazon as e-books, so I would recommend giving them a try!

Twentysomething

In a few weeks, things are going to change yet again for me. When this has happened in the past, it has always been because of a move, or a change of school, or both. At those times, I could count on frequently being around certain people: classmates, family, and in university, flatmates. I was either at home with people or at school with people. Especially at university, you're very likely to get along with your classmates or your flatmates (though you could be unlucky), since you have something in common and are around each other so frequently. Being young contributes to that as well, as you are in an unfamiliar place and are still figuring your life out, and so is everyone around you.

You don't realize how important this is when you're at university. How protected and supported you are. You ride the wave of new ideas, people, and places and let it shape you. Then you graduate, hoping for the best of all those worlds, as you now know what you want (hopefully). But this needs so much more perseverance and patience than you first think.

This transition is far different from anything I've been through. It's not quite as scary as it was first coming to Scotland, as I have friends here now. But they all have different lives from me since I've graduated, and we have to make an effort to see each other. The difficult thing is that I can't seem to count on anything. People I work with aren't at the same stage of life as me. It's a different dynamic--you don't seem to become as close as you were to university friends. I've also gained a liking to living without flatmates. All of this adds up to needing to depend on myself so much more than I ever have before. And with a new job on the horizon it means starting all over again meeting new people.

I'm doing my best to remember it will get better with time. Many times in the past, I've picked myself up and moved on to a new life. But things now seem the most uncertain that they've ever been, and I feel more on my own than ever. It's part of life, I know.

Perhaps this just means things will be that much better when I find my way. To quote The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, "Everything will be all right in the end. If it's not all right, then it's not the end."